THE_REAL_SHAT

Bothering me today:

Copywriters who don’t know what “wherefore” means in the most famous soliloquy in the English language. This comes up a lot this time of year.

In the commercial, when the invariably bad voice actress with a terrible stage accent says, “Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?” and the even worse, “comical” voice actor responds with, “I’m right here, Juliet, and let’s go to the sale at the furniture store!” or whatever, YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG in so, so many ways.

She is musing on WHY he was thrust into her life, and the impossible contradictions and conundrums their doomed union presents. She wants an explanation from her Maker. She is not asking where the boyf is at that moment.

Now, it is possible that Shakespeare was executing a play on words, toying with the similarity of “where” and “wherefore” since Romeo was near the balcony and Shakespeare did shit like that.

BUT YOU, DUMBASS, UNFUNNY COPYWRITER, DID NOT MEAN THAT SO YOU DON’T GET A POINT.

Just stop. Stick to cliches about failed relationships and the other thousand terrible, tired tropes you trot out. The “shrewy wife/stupid husband” plot is one of my faves. Please stop mistaking “wherefore” for “where” in the meantime while selling carpet.

Also: “Whenever” in place of “when”

As in, “Whenever I was in fourth grade, I had Mrs. Rice.”

Really? All those different times in your life that you were in fourth grade, doofus? Ugh! Pull your pants up. Straighten your hat. Get off my lawn.