Why you can’t trust the Internet:
There’s a fly in my apartment. Just one. It was let in when I got a delivery. I watched it zoom through the front door. I thought, “Huh. Well, it’s kind of cold and I’m OCD, it’ll die eventually.”
That was a few days ago.
Buzz buzz buzz, it loves my apartment. Buzz, buzz, buzz, it interrupts Jeopardy! Buzz, buzz, buzz, it is very fast and not thwarted by me chasing it with a book, a dishtowel, a broom. I can’t hit it. It doesn’t mind yelling, because it is a fly, and flies don’t seem to have ears. I should just pretend it’s Jeff Goldblum. The fucking thing is a goddamn tenant by now. I have a headache.
On Gchat, I told Elizabeth about my winged problem and she said, “Spray it with hairspray.”
I thought, “Holy fuck, Elizabeth has won the Nobel Prize in Extermination.” I thought, “Elizabeth is awesome.” I thought, “I have a bottle of Paul Mitchell Extra Body hairspray in my bathroom right now.”
I’ve just chased a fly around my kitchen with a bottle of hairspray for five minutes and can report that hairspray doesn’t kill flies and Elizabeth is not an exterminator. Don’t trust what you read on the Internet, even if it’s your friend whose writing it.
I still have a fly in my apartment, but I’m sure its hair looks fantastic.
Bonus, my entire apartment smells like a peach having an orgasm.
Elizabeth left out the part about holding a lighter in front of the hair spray. Try that.
Source: likeit
Tumblrchronicity - Tongue Edition
(Tonguechronicity?)
Things that are the same, but… Well, they’re all the same.
(Gassing up at 3 AM starting out on the drive to Chicago. Thank gods for 24-hour gas stations.)
Double Standards and Double Ds
Tony, 48, a web designer in St. Paul, who separated from his wife a few years ago after twenty years of marriage, echoes the thought. “I’ve always thought it’s really hot when women in porn movies say dirty stuff,” he says. “Usually, they’re just literally narrating the shit that’s happening, giving the play-by-play: ‘You’re fucking me! Your dick’s in my ass! I’m sucking your cock right now!’ For whatever reason, that’s what does it for me. But recently a woman I was with started saying all that stuff, and it just kind of spooked me. She seemed slightly nuts.”
Can we talk about this for a second? How ridiculously sexist and flat-out stupid every word out of Tony’s mouth is?
Firstly, did it ever occur to you this particular lady might enjoy fucking and hearing herself say dirty, filthy things? Perhaps she too watches a ton of porn and it makes her feel sexy to behave this way.
More importantly though, and much more infuriating are the emotional-stunted penis- possessors running around like they are mature adults.Or, as Ron analogizes: “Remember Ghostbusters? How in love Bill Murray was with Dana, the Sigourney Weaver character? He feels lucky to even get her to agree to a date with him, but then when he shows up at her door, she’s possessed by demons, floating four feet above her bed, begging him to fuck her brains out. And he’s completely rattled by it and can’t get out of there fast enough. Well, that’s what it’s like when your girlfriend suddenly starts acting like a porn queen. You’re like, ‘Baby, where’d you go? I just want my girlfriend back.’ ”
Really, Ron? Because dedicating hours each week to watching an obsessive amount of porn and then being disgusted with your girlfriend for having a libido makes you sound like someone that deserves to be alone.
Learn to differentiate between your fantasies and your reality. More accurately, between your porn fantasies and your June Cleaver fantasies. Because that’s what really going on. You want to watch women on screen do unspeakable things and you want a lady who bakes you cupcakes at home. Except, when presented with a platter of cupcakes, you’re bored and run to the “man cave” to watch a complete stranger unload on some girl’s face. You don’t know what you want, so how dare you imply that there is anything wrong with anyone in this situation except you.
The breadth of the double standards at work here are just astonishing.
I agree with everything you wrote, Elizabeth.
And also, Ron is a fucking idiot who isn’t even able to comprehend what’s going on in Ghostbusters.
Dr. Peter Venkman is incredibly turned on by Dana Barrett’s extreme sexuality, but declines her explicit invitation to coitus because he knows it’s immoral to have sex with someone who is incapable of giving proper consent.
“I make it a rule never to get involved with possessed people.”
Possessed Dana pulls him in and passionately kisses him.
“Actually, it’s more of a guideline than a rule…”
Yes, it’s hilarious, but he then fully declines. Just one more reason to hail this as one of the best movies ever made.
Source: eoporto
Source: milkglassmao
