Welcome to Splottr™
Splottr™ is the hottest new social network to hit Silicon Valley since our last idea! You’ve heard the hype. You’ve scanned the headlines. Now read a press release.
How does it work? It’s Splimple™!
Just drive out to visit our headquarters whenever you have a spare moment. Every time you park in your own, dedicated parking Splot™, you earn 10 Sploints™. But it gets even better! The closer your Splot™ is to the building, the more BONUS Sploints™ you’ll earn each time a friend you invited parks in their own Splot™!
Sploints™ are redeemable for either exclusive beta invites** you can send to friends (Spluddies™) or popcorn. Then when you reach 300 Spluddies™, we kick you in the balls!
As the media frenzy about Splottr™ continues to heighten, more and more people will flock to come visit our offices. The sooner you register, the more valuable your exclusive, personal parking Splot™ will be later! And that means more Sploints™ for you!
Are you hiring?
Splottr™ appreciates your interest in joining our fast-growing team of hungry go-getters! We are not currently accepting applications for full time employment at this time. However, our two-person team will soon be expanding to include six TBA internship positions.
Intern responsibilities to include:
- Social media campaigns
- Human resources
- Business model and monetization strategy
- Janitorial duties
What if I use public transportation?
Splottr™ appreciates your commitment to the environment! Don’t worry, we’ve got you covered. Watch for our sister service, Spleattr™, debuting soon. All Sploints™ earned by sitting in Sploint™-eligible Spleats™ will be fully transferable and equivalent to those earned when using your linked and verified Splottr™ account.
What if I’m not old enough to drive?
Splottr™ appreciates your youthful exuberance! Ask your Splarents™ to take you!
Do you have an API? I was thinking about a startup startup, Splottrocity, to help Splottrs get the most value out of their Sploints.
Splottr™ appreciates your interest in our developer program! We are committed to rolling out a fully functional, highly robust API late in the fifth quarter (Splortr™) of this year. Early access to our alpha API will be granted to developers whose portfolios demonstrate an established track record and a penchant for innovation. In other words, if you have a pulse, your chances are excellent! API access tokens will be allotted based on similar criteria, and may be reduced or revoked in the future should our user base grow large enough to grant us the luxury of hating you.
** Splottr™ respects your privacy, and will never sell nor reveal your personal information to third parties based in Hoboken, New Jersey.
Will I get a Splicket™ if I park in a Splandicap™ Splot™? How many Sploints™ will it cost me?