It was a fuzzy white blur.
Something just flew/ran/scuttled across the room and Tucker is pacing and sniffing and neither of us are leaving until we know what it is and we’re certain of its death.
A MOUSE IT IS A MOUSE I SAW IT AND OH GOD A MOUSE IN MY HOUSE NOT PAYING RENT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT
I had mice at a previous apartment. I found out I had mice when I lifted the heavy cut-glass cover off the butter dish to find little lick marks in the butter and a little mouse poop deposited a mouse-length away from the lick marks.
I wasn’t so much disgusted as I was baffled. How did that little fucker get in and out without disturbing the heavy lid? I actually appreciated that he left me a souvenir. Otherwise I might not have noticed that he helped himself to a savory butter feast.
I got a humane trap and baited it with peanut butter. Don’t believe the cartoons. They like peanut butter way more than cheese (sorry Lindsay). I also found out that if you let them outside, they’ll just find their way back inside. You have to let them go miles away.
When I set the trap, I got two in it right away. With it being the dead of winter, I felt bad about letting them go in a strange area far away from their home. Then it hit me.
I worked third shift and there was a Walmart on the way. So I stopped in, dumped them out of the trap at the front door, and shooed them under it.
I pictured them living out their lives in warm happiness, chowing down on Cheetos and Peanut Butter Cap’n Crunch.
And I returned a couple more times to bring two more of their buddies to join them.
I noticed a fucking pattern: At night I like to snack on fucking peanut butter stuff, except when I drink fucking margaritas. Then I like to eat fucking nachos.
And when I watch fucking Eddie Murphy videos, I fucking swear a lot.
My breakfast consisted of a locally-sourced, cinnamon-and-egg-infused bagel, halved and lightly browned, dusted with organic ground cinnamon bark, lovingly drizzled with silky natural peanut spread, and topped with artisanal sliced imported banana, ripened to perfection.
Or: I toasted a grocery store French toast bagel and put on some cinnamon, peanut butter, and a banana.
Either way, it was delicious.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are nice, but…
I found something better. Allow me to share it with you.
First you need access to a Lindt factory outlet store. There, you will occasionally find hazelnut shell imperfections. I don’t know why they don’t just melt them down and try again, but I’m glad they don’t. Getting a bargain on Lindt chocolate just because they think it’s imperfect is fine with me.
The label has nutrition “facts” on it. Pay no mind. These don’t concern you.
Open that sucker up and let the good
times chocolate roll.
Now grab one of those yummy globes and locate the deep dent,
not the shallow dent,
because the chocolate on the side with the deep dent is thinner. You’ll need the structural integrity on the bottom for the next step. Smear the deep dent side with the peanut butter of your choice.
Now chomp down on that thing, biting off as little of the chocolate as you can.
It usually ends up being about half the ball no matter what you do. Now fill it up with more peanut butter.
I think you know what to do next…
Being imperfections, some of them wind up being half-shells with thick chocolate at the bottom. You can skip the first step with these and get right to the fillening and gobbling.
Nutty Reese’s Banana Split
- Put 2-3 scoops Rocky Road ice cream in bowl
- Slice (half to whole) banana (to taste / room) over ice cream
- Microwave 2-4 tablespoons peanut butter until it flows
- Pour liquid peanut butter over ice cream/banana combination
- Enjoy the fuck out of it
June is next up in my iPhoto calendar.
Here we have oven-crisp bacon, Uno’s pizza with loads of extra cheese added (and a margarita in a cactus glass in the background), and a bowl of Breyer’s Rocky Road ice cream with banana slices and microwaved Jif Natural peanut butter topping.
I finally made it through the accidentally-purchased chunky peanut butter. It’s smooth sailing from now on.
I thought you should know that our long household nightmare is over.