I literally had to read this four times before I realized it didn’t say, “Conversation Police.”
“Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over today, ma’am?”
“No, I don’t officer.”
“Ma’am, back there I clocked you interrupting three times, repeating yourself four times, and not getting to the point twice.”
“Oh, really? I didn’t realize.”
“Ma’am, you should be more attentive to what you’re saying. People can get bored to death out here, ma’am.”
“I’m sorry officer. I’ll try to be more careful.”
“That would be a good idea, ma’am. Now, what I’m going to need you to do for me at this time, ma’am, is I’m going to need you to hand me your library card at this time, ma’am.”
[Hands library card] “Must be nice.”
“What’s that, ma’am?”
“Being able to break the laws you’re hassling us about.”
“Ma’am, are you trying to be a wise-ass, ma’am?”
“There. You just did it again. You keep repeating yourself.”
“Ma’am, I’m a highly trained Conversation Police Officer, ma’am. The Conversation Force certifies our conversation skills, ma’am, to a much higher skill level than the civilian population, ma’am.”
“Pfff. Coulda fooled me…”
“Ma’am, what I’m going to do at this time is I’m going to issue a summons to you at this time to appear in District Conversation Court, ma’am.”
“What?! On what charges?”
“Ma’am, the summons I’m going to issue to you at this time, ma’am, is three counts of interrupting, four counts of repeating yourself, two counts of not getting to the point, and one count of sarcasm, ma’am. Do you understand what I just told you at this time, ma’am?”
Hot on the heels of Merlin and John’s excellent discussion of how dangerous bears are (Roderick on the Line #69 “Campfire Spaghetti Party”), I get this message on my answering machine today from the local police about a bear that’s been seen in my neighborhood. He even names my street.
A bear. In my neighborhood. ON MY STREET. GAH!
He goes on to say you should supervise children
that you like during outdoor activities, and if you encounter the bear, clap your hands or sing. What the hell? So, if the bear likes your singing, he won’t rip you to pieces? Is he the reincarnated Roger Ebert?
Well, to be fair, my singing would repel any fish, fur, or fowl.
Maybe the police should have suggested throwing a sneaker at him.
there is a town called sandwich in massachusetts
there are literally police cars labelled sandwich police
SORRY MA’AM, YOU’RE UNDER ARREST. TOO MUCH MAYO.
They relish the idea of punishing crime.
No matter how fast you speed, they’ll catchup.
And in case your panini press goes haywire:
And for ill chickens, turkeys, pigs, and cows:
It’s a good thing there is a significant police presence here.
The tension between the geeks and the mallwalkers is palpable. If it weren’t for the weak bones all around, it’d be Crips and Bloods all up in here.
RE THE MISSING CHILD ALERT:
They found that girl. She’s safe.
An 11-year-old girl was found safe this afternoon after fleeing from her family last night when “questionable” texts were found on her cell phone, police said.
Police News Affairs Officer Veejay Zala said the child is safe and has been located.
Alyssa Munoz was last seen about 6:45 p.m. Tuesday near Winnemac Avenue and Broadway, police said in a missing person alert.
According to police, Alyssa’s mother took away her cell phone “when it was discovered that she had questionable text messages” on it. The girl was in trouble and was stressed out over the situation, “and fled from her family,” according to the alert.
It’s pretty handy that the Police News Affairs Officer is a Veejay. Really helps get the word out when they need it.