Nothing is more certain or tedious than
- Death
- Taxes
- Backlash
This ancient incantation was heard from the Dean of the College of Cardinals as the cardinal-electors moved to the Conclave to blaze up for as long as it takes for the Sticky-Icky-Jesus-Freaky weed-smoke to turn white.
Only then will then the Cardinals be mellow enough to agree on a new Pope.
Possible final tweets for the resigning Pope
- In nomine Patris et Filii et Peace Out, Bitches!
- Who’s got two thumbs, a kick-ass hat, God as his Wingman, and is quitting work?
- I’m taking the Popemobile with me.
- I can no longer, in good conscience, associate myself with an organization that prohibits marriage equality and whose backwards views on women’s rights are insulting to humankind.
- Budweiser Time, motherfuckers!
Pope - OUT!
You think you know flame wars? Just wait.
I’m not quitting. I’m taking my papacy private.
Where’s my gold watch? Just kidding. Everything I have is solid gold.
*drops thurible* *exits balcony*
I laughed right the fuck out loud.
What an asshole.
He went on to implore people to refrain from using all forms of fire unless it was created by a lightning strike.
Oh look! They’ve elected a new pedophile (enabler).
Aaaaannnd the photo-reply feature just paid for itself.
Wait, what?
Orchestrating a ‘purer’ church…Pope Benedict gestures during a youth festival in St Peter’s Square this month.
Scariest shit ever, or SCARIEST SHIT EVAR!?
(Also)
Eric Cantor accuses Democrats of 'fanning flames' on member threats
House Minority Whip Eric Cantor (R-Va.) angrily lashed out at Democratic leaders for their handling of reported threats against members of Congress Thursday, accusing them of “dangerously fanning the flames” by blaming the GOP and confiding that he has also been the recipient of threats.
In related news, Pope Benedict XVI angrily lashed out at children who were molested by priests for their handling of their abuse, accusing them of fanning the flames of the worldwide child molestation cover-up scandal that has rocked the Catholic Church for generations.
The Pope warned that they will be “fanning the flames of Hell itself” if they don’t “shut their Goddamn communion-holes” in an address from the balcony overlooking a youth festival at St. Peter’s Square this month. He hinted that he is nearing the issuing of a Papal Edict declaring child molestation a Holy Sacrament, reminding Catholics that he is, by definition, the infallible representative of God on Earth.
The Holy See concluded the address by angrily slamming the microphone to the floor and storming off the balcony so fast that the naked young boy who was under his dress could be seen scurrying after him.
