"Mommy, how did you get those bad burn scars on your legs?"
"I don’t want to talk about it."
"Well, kids, when Mommy was in college, she was alone in her apartment with some candles burning. Then what was it you were you doing dear? Twerking upside down against a door, was it?"
"Then, kids, her roommate opened the door that she was twerking-UPSIDE DOWN-against, and she fell ass first into those candles I mentioned."
"How do you know all this, Daddy?"
"Oh, she was recording it on her laptop. Not sure, why though. Why was that honey?"
"SHUT UP I WANT A DIVORCE."
"Here, you guys can see it. It’s probably still on this website we used to use called YouTube."
This should accomplish for twerking what Reefer Madness never did for pot-smoking.
Current treat (I really like beans, OK?)
- Start with 28 oz. of baked kidney beans, 28 oz. of baked pinto beans with onions, and 21 oz. of black fiesta grillin’ beans in a crock pot
- 10 oz. of diced, sautéed onions
- One pound of sautéed sweet corn.
- About half of a 12 fl. oz. beer of your choice (drink the rest, duh)
- 8 oz. of pineapple tidbits in juice
- A healthy dollop of maple syrup
- A heaping tablespoon of brown sugar
- Lots of hot red pepper flakes (about twice as many as you think is appropriate)
- 7-10 big shakes of Chipotle Tabasco sauce
- Enough chipotle chile powder to make the top layer dry
- Mix together and set the crock pot on high
- Leave the cover off and stir often
- Cook for 4-6 hours to blend the flavors and thicken to taste
- Optional: Leave covered on “warm” for a few more hours to blend the flavors even more
It’s not nearly as spicy as you’d think. If you taste it while it cooks, it’ll be very spicy, but the spice eventually migrates into the beans and makes it milder. It’s also not as sweet as you’d think. The bitterness of the beer balances the maple syrup, brown sugar, and pineapple sweetness.
You’re left with a low-fat, high-fiber, hearty, delicious, and easily microwaveable meal or side-dish.
A few hours later: Weaponized butt.
It’s bean time!
- 9.8 pounds
- 4.5 quarts
- 34 servings
- 5,075 calories (149/serving)
- 395 fat calories (12/serving)
- 990 g total carbs (29 g/serving)
- 377 g sugar (11 g/serving)
- 163 g fiber (5 g/serving)
- 208 g protein (6 g/serving)
- 15,810 mg sodium (465 mg/serving)
- 100% yummy