Mitt Romney on a bender.
(He accidentally took a sip of caffeinated tea.)
BREAKING: Mitt Romney’s Power Cells Inductively Charge By Extracting Energy From Unsuspecting Humans.
During GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney’s appearance [on Monday Night Football, Chris] Berman asked him what he’s learned about himself during the campaign. Romney said he worried he’d get tired running all over the country, but that didn’t happen because of the energy his supporters gave him.
“The more events I did, the more energy I seemed to get. I came away at the end of the day (on the campaign trail), instead of being exhausted, I had a hard time falling asleep,” Romney said.
It’s not very Presidential to:
- Hide your money overseas to avoid taxes
- Change your positions based on who you think is listening at that moment
- Accuse your opponent of being born in another country
- Posthumously baptize people against their express wishes
- Purposely make companies fail in order to extract every penny you can for yourself
- Delegate all duties and decisions such that your campaign is in chaos
- Lead a campaign into $11 million of debt
- Threaten to destroy the U.S. unless your demands are met
- Hold a campaign rally during a disaster
- Lie to the public 917 times just this year
- Lie about your primary residence in order to be elected governor
- When asked to prove residency, reply “Trust me!”
- Lie about your tax-paying history
- When asked to prove you paid taxes, reply “Trust me!”
- Only care about 53% of Americans
- Believe jumbo jet airplane windows should roll down
- Trap a dog on top of a car on a twelve hour highway trip
- Lead a gang to terrorize another human being by holding him on the ground and cutting his hair
- Be the one who wields the sharp scissors to a terrified man’s head while laughing in his face
I just got polled.
And I think we all know how painful that can be.
But seriously, folks…
I live in a battleground state. It only has four electoral votes, but apparently that’s enough for Obama and Romney to fight over us. I usually don’t answer the phone unless I know it’s someone I want to talk to. I recently decided to answer it so I could be polled. (Huh huh huh. POLLED. Huh huh huh.) Tonight was the night.
And I lied my motherfuckin’ ass off.
For a long time I’ve been undecided.
Not about the election, dummy! That’s obvious.
I was undecided about telling the truth if I were polled. (Heh.) The other day I decided that I would deceive the pollsters. Why? For a few reasons.
- If Romney thinks the numbers are in his favor, he’ll campaign less here, leading to a lower chance of winning.
- If Obama thinks Romney is stronger, he’ll campaign more here. Then I’ll have a better chance of meeting him someplace like Mac’s Apples.
- I love the face Romney makes when he realizes something he thought was true is, in fact, not true.
- If I’m lucky, I’ll get to witness it at the exact moment he finds out he lost New Hampshire, and I’ll be able to say that I did that to him.
- But the most important reason is to make the race look closer and get Obama voters to not be complacent. I don’t want them to stay home because “it’s a sure thing” instead of getting out and voting.
At the end of the survey, the woman told me that she was from the Romney campaign.
Ha! Mission Accomplished!
Maybe next time I’ll tell you about my “Borrow Republicans’ IDs from November 5th to November 7th” plan.
We don’t need the government regulating chemical companies or refineries or nuclear plants. No one ever got sick from a contaminated water supply. Look, all you have to do is open up your refrigerator and get some Evian.
If he were in Eighth Grade, his paper would be taken away, he’d get a zero, and then be facing an almost certain suspension. But, yeah, this is the guy you want as President. Ha!
It’s been pointed out before that the quoted rule is from an older debate (2004, I think). The rules for this debate haven’t been released.
It also looks like it’s a handkerchief that he pulled out of his pocket.
Looks like he plops down a pad of scratch paper. I see nothing wrong with this. Also, Mike’s got a valid point.
Considering that most of what he said were bald-faced lies, I don’t know why so much effort is being expended to ascribe pure-of-heart explanations for what he obviously snuck onto the podium ON TOP OF THE SCRATCH PAPER ALREADY PROVIDED. And it’s much more stiff than a handkerchief, which he is never seen using.
He’s a liar and a cheater who demonstrably didn’t play by the rules of the debate (bulldozing Lehrer, for instance). I see no need to give that scumbag the benefit of the doubt. He’s had enough benefits already.
This is the background music I’ll be hearing while I watch tonight’s debate.
Oh, and I want each one to wield one of those.