You ever felt love for a man? Like, this kind of brutal and unfair mix of brotherly love and physical attraction? Most men are repellant, I know, with their ham-hock forearms, with their stupid hair, with their generally stupid way of being. You get used to it, and you stop caring about men.
But then a man will come along who is brave and funny and whose intelligence is as oblique as your own. You hold each other’s gaze a little too long—I mean, any eye contact at all is unbecoming of men, slothy spitting men—you hold each other’s gaze too long and you wonder: could you?
So run the wheels of a bro’s brain, such is the wandering bro.
I hear Gone with the Wind music swelling.
“I almost feel like the playwright is working too hard to NOT stereotype her characters, that she forces them to be unexpected when, really, they would probably actually do the expected thing,” he explains while licking grocery-store fried chicken from his fingers during intermission.
“And I said, hey, let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the—hey, are you getting this? Because I do not have have time to repeat myself, nuh-uh.”
This guy reminds me of the time in the 80s I drove around and pretended to talk on a home cordless phone so people would think I had a cell phone.
That book? “How to Win at Baseball.” I do not understand why this book is not read by more baseball players.
That book? The sports almanac that Biff Tannen brought back from 2015. The game went exactly as predicted.
That book? “The Art of Fielding.” I’m not really a “sports” person and it did sag in parts but I absolutely LOVED it.
That book? “If I Did It,” by O.J. Simpson. The entire starting lineup is now on trial for murder.
That book? “Infinte Jest.” The Giants are congratulating themselves for even finishing a NINE inning game whose rulebook is riddled with arcana and obscurities. “Life-changing,” reports Pablo Sandoval. “I can’t even,” says Tim Lincecum.
That book? “Fifty Shades of Grey.” The Giants tied up their opponents, spanked them, and bought them expensive gifts. How can you play baseball with all that going on?